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zaque, prisoner

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[12 Dec 2008|12:10pm]
boobs and boobs and butts
1 Hushed voice|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[30 Jul 2008|03:50pm]
Flames. Flames from the side of my face.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[04 Jun 2008|02:30pm]
shit am i really working this hard on my final paper?
i really want to do this? sheesh!
i'm going to fry my brain trying and all i've got is a fake title, fake name, and one fake paragraph.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[20 May 2008|07:40pm]
If I can't get it right the first time what good am I?
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[03 Apr 2008|07:06pm]
I must have been about seven years old, because my grandfather was still alive and, in fact, this is one of only two memories I have of him. After my father, born and bred in Montana like a true cowboy of the north, joined the navy he spent a good amount of years across the world living in a variety of exotic locales. From Vietnam to Hawaii, he eventually settled in the bleak Pacific Northwest and made Seattle his home. He’s always been a family man, so when both my sister and I were young we made our yearly pilgrimages to Montana, back to my fathers home to visit all the relatives we were too young to really remember.

“You remember your cousin Larry, right?”

Two ways to respond to a question like that. 1: Nod enthusiastically with a big smile and a hug and maybe next year at Christmas there would be an extra present under the tree. Or 2: Admit that my young mind did not remember my cousin at least thirty years my elder and thus too old to play with, which would likely result in coos of “isn’t that cute” and introductions I would promptly forget.

Pick one and go with it.

The drive to Montana (always drive, my father never let us fly because it was a waste to fly such a short distance) was excruciatingly long and cliché. My sister and I would argue, bicker until my father threatened to turn around just as we passed the “Welcome to Montana” sign. We would play road games and listen to children’s music, which I’m sure must have driven my parents insane. One time, under the blistering summer sun passing through what seemed like a desert (I swear I saw more than one cow skull on the side of the road) our car stereo overheated, causing the Lion King soundtrack to which we had been listening to repeat “Be Prepared.” Over and over Scar sung about his plan for succession while the Hyenas marched and chanted along. The song played so many times that by the end, I felt I was prepared for anything. Being my favorite song at the time I sang along, every word known by heart, until my dad finally tore off the face of the stereo to shut it up.

We would always stay with my fathers parents in Great Falls. They owned a nice stationary trailer that was much bigger than it is now that I’m older. I suppose it was perfect for them since they were both getting on in their years and probably didn’t want to take care of a huge house. The first memory I have of my grandfather was when we arrived at their trailer after our first trip across Washington and Idaho to Great Falls, Montana. Stepping through the door of the trailer my eyes desperately scanned the room, trying to take in everything at once until they stopped on the brilliantly glimmering letter opener, placed perfectly within a heavenly ray of light coming in through the fracture glass window.

“Get that away from him!” my grandfather shouted and he rushed over to remove the dagger from my inquisitive grasp.

That’s where my memory goes black. I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened the rest of the trip, but I could probably fill it in based on the others we took to visit Great Falls. I probably went swimming in the pool by my grandmother’s trailer, though I don’t actually know how to swim, so it was probably more like playing in the water. We probably also went to the Lewis and Clark Museum (boring!).

I do remember the end of the trip, because it happens to be the second and final memory of my grandfather. In the hospital after my grandfather’s heart attack we were gathered around his bed and I wasn’t really aware of the severity of the situation. I dying of thirst, I said, mimicking a parched and raspy voice. My father, more concerned about his father in the hospital bed than my dry and imminent death told me to stop complaining. I just wanted some money to get a drink from the pop machine outside and after being slapped on the shoulder and told to hush up, I resigned to pacing around the hospital until we could leave and I could drink something. My grandfather pulled out for me a few quarters, which he pressed into my palm and held tightly onto my little hands. I ran off to get something to drink and then we once again fade to black.

My grandfather wasn’t in the car with us when we drove back to their trailer. I thought myself prepared for anything, but I wasn’t prepared for that.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

Where the Mandrake Grow [19 Mar 2008|05:16pm]
Where the Mandrake GrowCollapse )

Please read! I've put soooo much work into this and I want to know what you folks think. The people that read this journal are really the only people I care much about, you know! So I would like your opinion.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[18 Mar 2008|10:52pm]
the moon is fucking falling
collapsing into the earth
and all you can do is laugh
don't you care for
the millions, billions, countless dead
the burnt forests and
dead
destroyed
dessicated
cities, empty and dark
void
and all you can do is laugh
with tears running down your cheeks
an effigy of
the cries
of the
dead
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[15 Mar 2008|02:05pm]
trace the path we walked
twice the wrong way
under sighing stars and moon
if i said the sun won't rise for hours
would you stay and sigh
twice the wrong way
no flowers yet in march
and we march in time
to the cars passing by and the
disco moon
its a dance you might say
twice the wrong way
under tunnels underground
mine cart heart of dust
hidden far below the sound
you might stutter, stagger laugh
but the keys fit the melody
twice the wrong way

only one time was it right
1 Hushed voice|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

People are Strange [13 Mar 2008|08:52pm]
There are times I feel at home, and there are times I wake up thinking I'm in your bed, eclipsed by red and not alone but I am. Always. Alone except for the voices in the night. Calling out, but what do they say? It's nothing, go back to sleep.


There's nothing like some good isolationist music piped right into your ears, blocking out the sounds of the outside world as you walk through crowds of people. Talking, laughing, going someplace. Where am I going though? Hell if I know so I just walk. And let the music play. People open their mouths to speak and I hear the soft plink of piano keys. They laugh and I hear horns. They whisper to their friends and in my ears I hear the faint whisper of feminine vocals. I climb the stairs and the music rises into a glorious crescendo.

But it all breaks when I remove the headphones. My world, like glass, shatters.

Some people know how to deal with the real world. They make it look easy. Some people aren't afraid of everything that's out there, unsure of all the new things, because almost everything is new.

You might step around that pile of broken glass. Avoid its sharp, cutting edges. You may walk right through. Blood dripping from your toes.

But I stay where I've fallen. Tiny pieces of me stuck to what had trodden.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[06 Jan 2008|09:26pm]
So here I am at Western. The end of the first night is drawing ever closer to a close and I honestly couldn't be more happy. Well, happy that the day is almost over, I mean. I'm not so excited yet to be here.
I'm not much of a partier and I tend to stick to myself and one or two others (recently just one). It's been a bit of work adjusting so far, but I'm not worried to much.
But I'm a liar.
Okay, so I am worried. I'm worried a lot. A hell of a lot. I don't know if this is the place for me. Honestly, I really don't. I'm up here to find out, I guess. Granted, I've only been here for less than a day, but I don't think its just the school. I'm worried that college life like this isn't meant for me.
It was a very tearful goodbye, last night, with Chelsea, both of us dreading the coming morning as if it were the end of the world. We shared our tears openly as I held her in my arms. It has never hurt so much to have to leave her house.

Fuckshit it's cold. I'm sitting in my dorm room, typa-typa-typing in my socks and the floor is freezing. The room is freezing. I am freezing. In Chelsea's room, it is warmer. In Chelsea's room, she is waiting for me, ready to hold me close and wrap her arms around me. Now, all I can do is be sad and cold.

My room is small and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have any desire to go hang out with anybody yet. I kind of just want to wallow in my sorrow for a while. I went out with my cousin Ward for dinner. We went to Ihop and I had a subpar salad. Then we drove around Bellingham for an hour and a half or so. I usually enjoy drives, thats all me a Chelsea did, really. We drove around a lot and it cost a shit load to get gas all the time (but help from all sources was wonderful). It became sort of a ritual. Driving always calmed me down (Chelsea as well) and it was just nice to see the world go by and talk and talk and talk. Even when it was silent, it was still beautiful.

Look at me blubbering. What is all this about? All this reminiscing does nothing except make me sadder.

Compounding my problems, my roommate doesn't know the password for his wireless router and thus I am restricted to wired access only. Seeing as how the ethernet cable doesn't reach my bed, I am most distressed. I have to sit at my stupid desk and be cold instead of sitting on my bed and being warm underneath my fantasy/space blanket (made most wonderfully by Chelsea).


Chelsea, I just want to curl up with you.
Somebody please tell me its alright to go home now...
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[30 Nov 2007|10:56am]
Stress stress stress stress! Agh! I'm getting so stressed out over stupid little things again. This essay is stupid. It should be easy to write. So write it Zach! Damn, just write it already. But my brain isn't working in that mode. It doesn't want to put down letters and words and sentences. It can't even find the right ones.

What should I write about? It's due on Monday.

Perceive of an audience you sufficiently respect, but who you suddenly discover disagrees with you on a subject that you care strongly about. This could be anything: girls playing on school football teams, women in boxing, issues of nationalism and immigration, politics,vegetarianism, cosmetic surgery, whatever. Write an essay explaining the wisdom of your position with an intent to change the mind of the reader, and to fairly challenge whatever stand they hold.

Try your hand at persuading readers to do something different than they do now: to stop drinking coffee or smoking cigarettes; to begin to carpool or take a bus to work; to turn off televisions, to vote, to write their congress members, to exercise, to eat breakfast-to do any action they may know they should, but have not undertaken at this point. Remember that you're trying to get them to do this-you're not just wanting to stress its importance or value.

EASY! See? Very easy but why can't I do it? I'm wracking my brain over this and nothing sounds workable. I don't know anything. What do I know of this world? Nothing, I swear. I live in my own little world, not yours. I live in this small secluded world where only a few things matter and there is a lot of stress. There are few things in my life. Everything is the same day to day, my life isn't very dynamic. It's predictable. I know pretty much what is coming and what is in store for me when I wake up. My life is starting to stagnate maybe? It's okay though, I think. I'm still pretty much happy.
I just don't know what to write.
My dad says the class is an easy class. I should be getting A's. It is an easy class. So why am I struggling?

Maybe I just need to go take a shower and wash my confusion and dirt away.
I'm not looking forward to another day at McClendon's.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[19 Nov 2007|12:01am]
[ mood | i hope.. ]

Instead of sleeping I am trying to find my Magnetic Fields CDs. 69 Love Songs vol. 1 through 3. I need it. It must be here somewhere. Under this pile of papers? No. In that heap of things over there? No, and a pile of CDs spills over, spooking the dog and my sister. But there they are, in the closet. Sixty-nine love songs, delicately written to magnetic, poppy perfection.

My car has a flat tire. I noticed this after work. It was nearly flat after sitting in the parking lot all day. I drove it home anyways and put some air in it. That helped a little, but turns out there is a hole in the tire. Sucks to be my tire. I'm really sick of my Explorer. My sister let me borrow her car tonight and it handles much better than mine. That monstrosity of mine clangs down the road, shaking with every slight bump. And I am going to be taking that up to Bellingham??! I want a smalled car that doesn't run on the ghostly tears of dead babies.

Other than Bellingham, I don't know where I'm going with my life. But how about that Bellingham, eh?

Things I Am Excited For:
-Getting Away
-Having my own space
-Starting an Awesome Band to rock the world
-Destroying the world with said Awesome Band
-Uh..meeting new people
-Re-meeting people that left before

I keep visualizing Bellingham as some kind of awe inspiring town that is going to revolutionize my life. It isn't even a Western specific thing. There has always been something about Bellingham. I spent a lot of time there as a kid, so much so that (while I still don't know my way around) I recognize streets and landmarks in the city that are otherwise unimportant. I'm hoping this becomes something substantial. I'm hoping that something really clicks while I'm up there.

I'm hoping because I don't know what else to do.

Since I probably won't update before (or soon after) Thanksgiving, I'll say this now. Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everybody has a good one and hope everybody is thankful for something and I hope you all laugh and grow fat.
To my non-Thanksgiving-celebrating readers, happy Thursday. I hope you get the chance to laugh and grow fat as well.

Some people may not like the Magnetic Fields. Sure, they can be sappy I suppose.

Love is like a bottle of gin/but a bottle of gin is not like love

however you feel about love, there is a Magnetic Fields song that feels the same way.
69 Love Songs


zw

Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[06 Oct 2007|12:30am]
I am a bitter, spiteful person. After being left alone in my head for so long everybody is an enemy. No joke? No joke. It's all I do anymore! I hate hate hate and then I hate some more. It's not that I hate you or what you are, I just hate.

I blame it all on deadjournal. DAMN YOU DEADJOURNAL! What the fuck was I thinking? Oh god! I can just go look and I know exactly what I was thinking. Oh dear god. Sometimes I can't tell when the good ol' days actually were. High School? Junior High? Or do I have to think back to the beautiful innocence of psuedo-sentience?
Were the good ol' days kickball and sonic the hedgehog drawings?
Fuck what the hell is this shit I write? This is shit! Pure Shit! FUCK! My mind has fucking nothing. Not that this should be Anything, but Goddamn! What the fuck is this place? Who the fuck are you people?

not everybody can be successful. the world needs its share of deadbeats, stoners, and loners.



zoodles



PostScript
Oh yeah, so whats going on? Zach is taking Accounting, Calculus, and English. Also, Zach is working at McClendon's Hardware. Also, Zach is still trying to make you all laugh (except for you I'm done with trying to make you laugh).
There really isn't anything going on. Life goes on day by day and trouble is going to bite me in the ass for not thinking ahead.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[22 Sep 2007|10:12am]
So I never update anymore do I? Sorry.

Here's the scoop: I currently work a very unfulfilling job at McClendon's Hardware in downtown Renton. My dykey bosses scare me sometimes and I'm glad I won't have to work there much longer.
I got accepted into Western, so I'm doin that whole thing. What classes should I take? What should my major be? Hell if I know. Any ideas people?
Me and Chelsea are doin good. Closin in on two years now and we are both a little distressed about me moving to Bellingham. She is currently enjoying her job at Ezell's on 4th.
Played some D&D with our buddies Travis and Erinn last night and it was a fun time. We played a game in Eberron and it was a little difficult because Tyler didn't show up and therefore the party had no Cleric. The party consists of a 16 year old Changeling sorceress who fled to Breland after the destruction of Cyre on the Day of Mourning, a 20 year old Changeling rogue, and a shifter ranger. This means nothing to you all, I'm sure. I'm still a nerd. A geek. Dork? I dunno. Yes, all of it.

What else do I have to talk about? Nothing much else, I don't think. Not a lot has been goin on.
Guess I'll get ready to go to work. :/


Enjoy your days.
Zach
3 Hushed voices|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[12 Sep 2007|09:29am]
Oh. Hey everybody.
I got accepted into Western for Winter Quarter.


So whats the deal with this place?
Whats the scoop?
2 Hushed voices|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

why am I still in High School mode? [29 Aug 2007|02:21am]
I have neglected you all. All of you out there in the blogosphere who have missed me so. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyways, so here's whats been happening:

I got a job at McClendons. It totally sucks ass and I should be paid more. If anybody knows any better job opportunities let me know.
So, started playing D&D with Chelsea, Travis and Gemma. I was the Dungeon Master and it was loads of fun.
A bunch of us went to have a camping party in Tinkham. It was our going away party to Gemma. I think I have pictures on myspace.
Went to Hempfest for the first time with Chelsea, Travis, and Gemma. Crazy place, that Hempfest. It was fun. Saw Andy Emery. Big surprise.
Gemma left. Moved back home to Australia and she will be greatly missed. I didn't know her for very long but I really liked her. She and Travis made for good company. Travis alone is still good company.
I saw an amazing movie! American Splendor. I think thats what its called right? Paul Giamati as Harvey Pekar. Amazing! I wish I was Harvey Pekar. You know, except with the pecker cancer.
Seeing American Splendor has made me want to write a comic. Yeah, just write it. Not illustrate. I want to find somebody else to if I can write something I like. I have ideas. Don't ask me about them because I don't know if I'll be able to explain them. Maybe do ask. I don't know, whatever.
Uhhh....Going to Bumbershoot on Satyrday. :| I guess it should be good. I don't remember who all I'm seeing but if you're there and we are seeing the same band we should totally stand next to each other and softly nod our heads. Or we can hang out between bands, whatever.


I need to write more, I really do. Not journal write, but actual writing. Something with a little meat on its bones.


Man, Who the Fuck Am I?
1 Hushed voice|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

wearing the devils suit and fedora [25 Jul 2007|09:24am]
ugh... maybe i am manorexic... :\
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[13 Jul 2007|12:39am]
I suppose this is one of those things you might expect me to write about. One of those things that any normal person who keeps a journal (especially an online one) would write about. So then, in the spirit of normality, let us venture forth.
Tuesday afternoon Chelsea and I set forth in my monstrosity of a car to the great Washington coast. Well, to be exact, we set out for Olympia but later changed our minds and decided to go to the rain forest. We aren't very good campers, let me get that out there right now. Any real camper would probably have a plan, or at least have it planned out where they were going. We, on the other hand, decided as we went along. Our hours of driving eventually brought us to the Hoh Rain Forest. We pitched a tent and set up camp among the trees and cooked ravioli and oatmeal and it was wonderful.
Then, the next morning, Wednesday, we packed up and hit the road once more. We drove down 101 until we saw a sign that read "Ruby Beach." Being the active treasure hunter than I am, we had to stop. There weren't any rubies on the beach, but we had an amazing time nonetheless. We skipped stones, climbed on logs, climbed on rocks, we saw a giant rock that I dubbed "Wang Rock" due to its resemblance to the human phallus. As we wandered around Wang Rock we discovered that Wang Rock also had a Vuh-Jay-Jay. We got a picture of me in Wang Rock's VJ.
From Ruby Beach we went back towards Olympia, through Aberdeen. Come as you are.
In Olympia we wandered from place to place, a little lost. We got a room at the Olympia Inn and set out once more to get lost. We found an amazing BBQ place, but neither of us can confirm it's existence. On Thursday we tried to find it again but it was nowhere to be found.
Thursday we woke and packed and left the Inn to wander the city. We visited shops and shopped in them as well.
We journeyed out to Western Olympia to visit the Evergreen State College. We drove around, visited the organic farms, and then walked the campus. Checked out the library and bathrooms.
Then we came home.

There are pictures but I don't feel like doin that stuff now. Remind me later and maybe I'll consider it.
I think they're on myspace. somebody go look at myspace.
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[15 Jun 2007|02:32pm]
You may have read the beginning of this before.
But here it is again with it finished. It isn't all that great.
Please do not hate.
Or hate, I don't care. It doesn't matter.


throwing knivesCollapse )
Hush now, you won't feel a thing

[14 Jun 2007|11:08pm]
Well fuck me. I hate it when I do this, I really do.
No I don't.
It's a lot of fun, I really enjoy doing it.
But it puts me in these moods.
And it is the moods that are no fun.
The damned moods.
It makes me really miss the past, and what makes it worse is that it is the recent past I miss.
Within the past year.

I went back to read some old entries in my journal, stuff from last year or so and it has just put me in a poor mood. God I miss parts of the old days. Looking back there is just so much I miss.
I hate to look for somewhere to place blame
because usually the blame lies squarely with me.

but I don't think it does this time.
I shouldn't say anybody is to blame, really.
People have just changed and I miss the way people were

don't worry, if you're reading this it isn't you
but if you are reading this: we miss you

i miss being scared
scared because things were new and unusual to me
not scared for you

It is almost summer, perhaps something will change over summer.
Lets hope.







but it has been a while since you commented in my journal


it has been a while since we were kids

fuck. i'm growing up aren't i?


damnit.

well, the point of this is: i miss the friend i made in the darkroom
3 Hushed voices|Hush now, you won't feel a thing

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